House Plants

5/20/20

You're a shitty plant parent. That's why you're here.  This list is to help you take better care of your little oxygen breathing babies.  You can't always be there for your Chinese Evergreen or your Ponytail Palm.  But this compilation of music should take care of the babysitting while you're off dicking around town, neglecting the plants you promised to nurture and cherish. 

Plantasia

by

Mort Garson

If you came here to find some new murderous plant music to eradicate your garden with, this isn't the album for you. (those albums are further down the list).  Plantasia is warm earth music for plants and the people who love them.  This is the most obvious, and most well known plant-based album and had to be mentioned first out of respect for Mort Garson. This album is the backbone of this entire list, and spawned so many inspired albums because of it.  One of the first albums ever made with a MOOG synthesizer and released in 1976, this album came free with a purchase of a Sears mattress, or a plant from Mother Earth Boutique.  

(Mort Garson also scored the televised landing of the Apollo Moon landing for CBS,  made an album for the zodiac signs, made a psychedelic Wizard of Oz inspired album called Wozard of Iz, made an electric album based on the musical Hair, and among others, released music under the name Lucifer.) 

greenhouse

by

Louie Zong

The first of many feel good Mort Garson inspired plant albums. If the album art makes your blood pressure drop dramatically, just imagine what the music will do for you. 

Meiosis

by

Ele Ypsis

Breakbeat, ambient, glitchy baroque-esque vocal collages. It's like Igorrr on xanax. It's like Tipper throwing instruments on the floor and falling asleep on top of them. This album is for mature and weather resistant, outdoor plants only.  
DISCLAIMER: DO NOT PLAY TO NEWBORN OR VULNERABLE PLANTS. THIS MAY RESULT IN LACK OF GROWTH.

Journey Through the Secret Life of Plants

by

Stevie Wonder

3 major world events happened in 1979.  American President Jimmy Carter was attacked by a swamp rabbit, McDonald's introduced the Happy Meal, and Stevie Wonder scored Journey Through the Secret Life of Plants for the incredible(?) documentary The Secret Life of Plants.  Steve-O Dubs unleashed his inner patunias and made one of the greatest plant albums in history.  Easily his greatest album ever made.  Thankfully this blind motherfucker can't see anything, so he didn't have to watch the quality of documentary he made this masterpiece album for. 

Bass Chalice

by

10 Ft. Ganja Plant

Marijuana motherfuckers. Savage Cabbage. Laughing Grass.  Wacky Tobacky. Devil's lettuce. Fun Onions.  Ush-Gush-ba-Kush.  Flower Power.  Reefer Madness.  Alabama Alfafa.  The Mean Green.  Friendo Endo.  Stern Herb.  Hipnotic Chronic.  Get danked up out there my terpene fiends.  

N-Plants

by

Biosphere

Don't ever forget to tuck in your plants when it's time for bed.  If you worry that a 85lb weighted blanket will ultimately suffocate your tomatoes, then just play N-Plants by Biosphere to help keep them warm.  If you go to sleep listening to this, you just might mature some budding fruit of your own by sunrise. 

Aloe Extract Sound (アロエ その不思議なサウンド) (1995) 

by

Momoe Soeda (添田百枝)

There is no plant in the horticultural kingdom that is as trusted as the Aloe Vera plant.  This album was made by hooking up an Aloe plant to a synthesizer with some straight science laboratory shit, and making it the composer of the music itself.  Read up on it if you're smart, ignore that shit if you're dumb, but either way, use this album as your plants motivational speaker.  Nothing but words of wisdom are coming out of this plant's mouth. Straight knowledge being spit onto the rest of your house plants.  

House Plants

by

CoryYayo

No plant list is complete without a Lo-fi beat-tape.  This is for the more modern, hipster "cool" plants of the house.  I'm talking about the Venus Flytrap, the cactus-like-succulents that hang in geometric planters that cost $45 a piece, the Northern Maidenhair Fern that sits in a terracotta pot, perched up against your HIFI vinyl setup.  

Music for Succulents

by

Shocking Twist

READ THE TITLE.  SUCCULENTS ONLY.  Move all other plants out of the room before playing this album.  Put some sound dampening panels on the walls, and stuff a towel underneath the door.  Put your airpods at the base of the plant if need be.  Don't EVER let another plant hear this.

Taproot

by

Plantrae

You just took Ketamine at a Papadosio concert, and now you're home trying to dig yourself out of your K-Hole while you stare mindlessly at the Peace Lily your grandma gave you.  That's alright, don't beat yourself up. Give yourself and your plant a glass of water, and put on some Plantrae. 

(Just so you know, both your grandma and your plant are very disappointed in you.) 

Music for Plants

by

Jan Grünfeld

Recorded on a balcony with an electric guitar and a loop machine, any outdoor plant would be making a huge mistake not taking this in, and releasing oxygen for you in exchange.  

Remind your plant that they work for you, not the other way around.  You're in charge.  You supply the water.  You are God. 

Life of the Plants

by

Lee "Scratch" Perry

Maybe it's brunch time and you have some friends over.  They've just complimented your Spider plant that you've had for over 18 years.  You say the secret to long living plants is plenty of sunlight, a nice mix of fertilizer and love, and Life of the Plants by Lee "Scratch" Perry.  You tell them you play this album every single morning while you water your 179 different varieties of indoor plants.  They try to get a word in, but you interrupt them and start naming the Botanical name of every plant. 

"Over here i have my Hymonocallis Littoralis, and next to her is my Zantedeschia Aethiopica.  Oh, i love my little Gerbera Jamesonii, it pairs nicely besides my Schlumbergera Bridgesii.  

Your friends don't care. 

They've left hours ago. 

You're very alone. 

DISCLAIMER: The following list is for plant-haters only.  If you are in dire need to eradicate your house plants immediately, then proceed here.  But i am warning you now, there is no turning back once you enter the realm of plantal genocide.  

 

Have a roommate with way too many Boston Ferns?  

Looking to uproot your life and move to New Zealand, and never return?

Have you been in direct contact with poison oak that rendered your blind date unbearable, and have held an unwavering grudge ever since? 

Do you want to watch plants wither away before your very eyes because you are some sort of curious sociopath? 

Well worry not, this list is for those who fucking hate the sight of greenery and want those stupid little lilacs dead by noon tomorrow.  

Garden of Delete

by

Oneohtrix Point Never

DELETE THAT SHIT. 

Load this up into a Panasonic RX 5600LS Boombox and crank that up to full blast at your neighbors veggie garden until their cucumbers catch fire.  Organic what? 

Dead.

Lemanis

by

Space Slug

You have a nice indoor spice garden that has been meticulously tended to for 3 months now.  Your kale looks nice, and the rutabagas have matured beautifully also.  Oh what was that?  A knock at the door? Let's go open it.

SPACE SLUG.  This voluptuous sleeping bag of ooze is ready for dinner, and guess what's on the menu.  YOUR PLANTS.  You've been able to keep earth slugs at bay with ease, but you are no match for the SPACE SLUG.  This greedy gastropoda is eyeing your crunchy sprouts as an appetizer before he moves onto the main course.  This mollusk will feel no remorse as it eats every last leaf and stem that exists on your property.  Get ready to starve, the space slugs are taking over.  

Där Blommor Dör

by

Flowers Must Die

Want to commit manslaughter on your Flowering Maple Plant but also give yourself a life-altering psychotic break at the same time? Där Blommor Dör (Where Flowers Die) is here to provide you the road map to misery.  This is an album full of dark noisy terror, that will make your plants run away from you before they even get the chance to crumble under pressure.  These Swedes are well trained in the art of flower bloodshed.  

Scorched Earth

by

Gnaw Bone

Nothing says plant death like a good ole fashioned Scorched Earth Policy, and nothing says Gnaw Bone like a 3 piece sludgey black metal band.  Were you looking for a metal album where all 3 members scream into microphones at the same time?  Well thankfully GNAW BONE does just that. Use this album for begonia butchery, and then move on to other things.  Play this album in your kitchen and your bread will immediately start to grow mold.  Play this for your cat and he'll go into anaphylactic shock.  

Music For Your Dying Plants ii

by

Sunrise 2x4

A tape loop eulogy for your dying plants.  Your work is done.  You have successfully poisoned and demoralized every lilac and lily in sight.  I hope you're happy.