Your First Home

7/25/20

Congratulations! You got approved for that 25 year fixed-rate loan, lets build your dream home! As your non-licensed and self-imposed foreman, i will provide you all the tools you need to build the home you've always wanted.  From plumbing and heating, to attics and basements, this home will have it all. Plus, you can throw me some Christmas cash once this is over and a 5 star Yelp review because you will be so grateful. Let's get started by building that foundation of yours. (And as a sign of my appreciation for choosing me to head this project, i threw in a 6month warranty on the concrete as a signal of my gratitude.)

Foundation of Bones

by

Enterprise Earth

Way to go you half-baked lump! You built your home on Indian Burial Grounds! THIS IS YOUR FAULT! Our foundation guys found a vast collection of bones and hand-carved urns, and neglected to tell you about them, now you're haunted for always and eternity! You aren't going to get any sleep up in this house, so just get used to those screams. (those are the screams of countless generations of pissed off and offended sacred ancestors) That's seriously, real inconsiderate of you.  That was culturally appropriate history, and you fucked it up, all because you wanted a "dream home".  You selfish prick. 

Electricity is On Our Side

by

Busdriver

Nothing will light your house on fire quicker than poor electrical wiring.  You're going to need electricity on your side for this one.  Heh... Nobody wants to live in a home that won't allow you to plug in your Amana AMAP101AB Portable Air Conditioner with Remote Control in White/Black for Rooms up to 250-Sq. Ft, a vintage Looney Tunes animated Tasmanian Devil House Phone, a washer/dryer combo, and a blinking neon Bud Light Lime sign into the same outlet. Hire a professional for once and get the job done correctly. There is no better freelance electrician than Busdriver, hop aboard and let him install your home with volts, amps and ohms. 

We Need a Plumber EP

by

We Need a Plumber

One of the greatest joys in life is shitting in the comfort of your own home.  And one of the greatest fears in life is being invited to a dinner party at a friends home, who you know for a fact has a history of bad plumbing.  You don't want to excuse yourself from dinner to use the upstairs bathroom, only for it to overflow and have the toilet water flow down into the air vent and travel it's way down the walls into the downstairs kitchen; alerting the entire home that a shit-level emergency is taking place.  Avoid this completely made-up, hypothetical, definitely-did-not-happen-to-me-in-2018 situation, and hire a licensed plumber.  Use this album as your bathroom Yellow Pages. 

Central Heating Instrumentals & Acapellas

by

Various Artists

If you live in a warm desert climate, be a fucking adult and wear a sweater vest when you get cold.  If, however, you reside in a climate that frequently experiences life-altering ice storms and therefore requires warmth, get yourself some central heating.  There's no shame in admitting that you don't have chest hair, and are therefore incapable of regulating your own body temperature.  If you can't find a licensed HVAC specialist and it's snowing outside, just throw this album on and you'll forget what -22degrees ever felt like. 

Lightning At the Door

by

All Them Witches

When i arrive at a compadre's home, i like to enter their abode through the front door.  This is not only a sign of respect, but we also need to take into account that the average American spends a substantial amount of time annually opening and closing their front door. I was once invited to a boss's home to talk about my future in the company and what kind of pay raise i was expecting.  Upon arriving to his home, i come to realize that his door was just a plain hardwood core, paper-thin veneer, compressed slab of sawdust.  After violently vomiting onto his petunias, i slowly walked back to my car, backed out of the driveway, and never worked with him again.  You can trust that All Them Witches know a thing or two about doors, so check in with them first before you make a run to Home Depot with only a $75 door budget. 

Window

by

Shook Twins

Windows are the second most important feature of the home, second only to the toilet.  Windows allow you to watch the guy who parked outside your home to very obviously buy weed next door. Windows allow you the perfect vantage point to watch your DoorDash meal show up to your doorstep, like a hand delivered Christmas present from Santa Clause.  Except this Santa Clause makes $11 an hour and is questioning why you ordered the same Italian style bacon burger for the fourth day in a row. Also, windows are way more versatile than people believe. Not only do they allow light in, but you can put curtains up and keep light out.  Now thats versatile!  Or, if drapes aren't your thing, you can install a Shook Twins window and trip balls in the '60's!

Cover the Windows and the Walls

by

Grouper

Now we're talking.  This is every paranoid, slightly schizophrenic mother's wet dream.  Keep those goddam windows covered.  Don't let the neighbors see us EVER.  If the neighbors find out we have their cat living here, they'll tell the landlord and get us evicted.  We're late on rent this month, so keep all the lights off and don't go near the windows, we're not home.  If you look through the windows, i'm going to assume you're talking to the neighbors about me and i'll get very upset.  

Triangle

by

Blvck Ceiling

If you walk into someones home and they have painted their ceiling black, they either live in an 1800's vampire themed castle-mansion, or they're about to hang you upside down and slit your throat.  They'll drain your blood and store your limp raisin body in their basement freezer. If i were to be spit-roasted in a strangers' living room and left to bleed out onto their glass dinner table, this is the soundtrack to which i would want that to happen. Painted ceilings are a statement about who you are as a person.  Here's a fun fact:  Everyone who has ever painted their ceiling black listens to My Chemical Romance on the regular. 

A Light in the Attic

by

Shel Silverstein

Most people remember Shel Silverstein for his children books, but what most people don't know is that he was a lightbulb aficionado. When Shel Silverstein wasn't busy singing about Smoking Weed, smoking pot, hating children, or eating beans, he was busy spreading the importance of proper attic lighting. When you wake up in the middle of the night and hear the noise of footsteps in your attic, you don't want to have to climb the stairs holding a flashlight in one hand and a machete in the other.  It is ideal if you have a light already installed, so you can approach the intruder with a machete in both hands.  

Up From the Basement

byby

Galt MacDermot

If you live in a house without a basement, then you live in a shack. You might as well move into a trailer park with the rest of society's trash.  Galt understood this concept, and made an album from his basement that's more enjoyable to listen to than anything you've ever said in your life. 

New Nostalgia

by

Golden Living Room

The living room.  The most important of all rooms in the house.  This is the room where guests judge you the hardest, so get your shit together and take some tips from Golden Living Room.  Notice the matching patterns on the 2 piece couch; the accenting plants on opposite sides of the room, the retro television/air conditioner(?) placed on what looks like a glass coffee table.  This is what an ALPHA living room looks like.  If you have fold-out tray tables, Target brand knick-knacks or furniture from the "Back to School" section of any large scale department store, just burn your house down now and close this page.  You don't deserve to have a living room. 

town

by

kitchen

The comfiest place in the home to pass out drunk in, is the kitchen.  The reason for this being, is that if you are black out drunk, sleeping in your own bed, you wake up with a wicked hangover and a blanket of shame laid over you.  Same as if you fall asleep on the living room couch.  The advantage to passing out in your own kitchen, is when you wake up feeling like a pile of shit, you can say "well, i feel like shit because i fell asleep on my kitchen floor, not because i drank a bottle of vodka to myself."  The low-effort & lo-fi sounds to this album are consistent with the low energy output you'll have trying to make yourself a cup of coffee at 2 in the afternoon while you hate yourself. 

Hallways

by

Homeboy Sandman

Since the invention of the dual bedroom house, the hallway has always been referred to as the 'Gooch' of the home.  Unlike gooches, however, this album neither smells, nor sweats profusely when seated on a public transportation seat. 

Adventures in Your Own Backyard

by

Patrick Watson

This is where you will spend most of your time in your new home.  Drink your morning coffee out here while you watch your cat try and learn how to shit outside in the grass comfortably.  Sit in your backyard and think about how much front yards are a waste of space.  If you're eating dinner and having a bonfire at sunset, why would you want to be facing the street, or give one of those dirty street urchins a chance to say "hello" or "how's it going?" while they walk their dog for the third time that day.  Fuck them.  Backyards are private, and nothing ruins my appetite faster than seeing another human being walk down my sidewalk.