If you consider yourself a bookworm, then you can consider me your enemy. Books are for nerds, and nerds are fucking dweebs. The mere sight of a library makes me vomit in the street. I've spent a lifetime avoiding books at all costs, and no self-proclaimed bibliophile is going to waste MY time with a "book recommendation". I know how to read, I just exercise my right to not have to, and now YOU don't have to either! So do yourself a favor, and listen to these 12 albums while you burn down your local Barnes & Noble.
The Good Book
We'll start our journey with: The Good Book, insinuating there is only one good book in existence, which is a stretch if you ask me. One too many, maybe. THAT BEING SAID, if there was such a thing as a 'good book', it might sound like this. Let the Rollerskating Queen leak knowledge all over your earholes.
"They're only putting in a nickel
And they want a dollar song"
Goddam, Melanie you introspective bitch. You can't get that knowledge from a book, only from music.
The Good Book, Vol. 2
The Alchemist, Budgie
The unlicensed sequel to Melanie's The Good Book. This is basically a Fan Fiction that takes place 30 years later. Except instead of birthdays and sunshine you get drug relapses, machine guns, spin moves, marijuana extracts, baggy jeans, chopped up bodies in suitcases, and Nissan Muranos.
The Boats of the Glen Carrig
Oceanic Funeral Doom album based on the 1907 book, The Boats of the Glen Carrig. Do not listen to this if you are easily frightened by unknown sea monsters, the open ocean, mysterious oozes, have high blood pressure, or have an underlying heart condition. Also don't read this if you're cool, remember, reading is for scholastic poindexters.
BOOK OF SKELOS
This should come standard-issue with every DND roleplaying book. The title for this album should be: Lo-fi-dungeon-crawler-chiptune-beats to slay rats and roll dice to.
Flipper Psychout - Italian Library Music from the Vaults of Flipper
This is the perfect addition to your 70's-retro-bachelor-pad-library. This is for those who only have books at their casa to impress the ladies. Titles of your home library may include: How to Slay Mad Puss, Living with a 17-inch Schlong, Cutting Trees Down with Your Fists and other Foliage Related Man-Tasks, Whiskey Identification Guide, 35mm Photo Album of that Bear I Killed, and A Guide on How to Gather Ethically Sourced Cocaine in America.
Book of Bad Decisions
The only bad decision this album has to offer, is not introducing you to Spacegrass or 10001110101. On top of that, do not refer to this as a "How to Make Bad Decision" guide. Instead, here are some bad ideas of my own: get yourself debilitatingly addicted to black tar heroin, quit your job and spend all your time creating a Playstation 1 game called The Amazing Virtual Sea Monkeys, turn the autosave feature off while creating your website and lose 3 days of writing and organizing because you're a fucking idiot who didn't learn his lesson the first time, buy a used 05 Subaru Outback, gamble on that 5 day old leftover pizza, or try littering.
Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War of the Worlds
The book version of War of the Worlds has 58,580 words in it. YUCK! At an average of 200 words per minute, this can take you 4 hours and 53 minutes to read, not including piss breaks or ordering food online. Thankfully, novel-hater Jeff Wayne made a musical version of this visual travesty for us to consume while we do a number of mindless tasks. AND it's only an hour and 44 minutes long, that's efficient!
Lost & Safe
This is the book you try to read as you fall asleep. You keep reading the same 2 pages over and over, realizing halfway through that you already read that page, but haven't processed any of the information. The book never gets finished and it starts its new life as a coffee cup coaster.
Ipos: Book of Angels Volume 14
This book can only be found in a high end Jerusalem book boutique. It probably costs 343.87 shekels and comes with a complementary bottle of red wine. Considering this is the 14th volume of Book of Angels, might i suggest a bottle of Grand Cru Burgandy, aged 14 years.
Uncle Tony's Coloring Book
You've made it this far without learning how to read, why start now. Coloring books are the only books that get a free pass by me. Everybody looks down on you if you've seen Lord of the Rings without reading the books, but nobody gets offended if you've painted a canvas without coloring in Secret Garden an Inky Treasure Hunt and Coloring Book.
the book about my idle plot on a vague anxiety
thankfully this book doesn't have any words, which is fine because if it did, that shit would be written in japanese, and i couldn't even point out japan on a map. toe describes, in no words at all, why anxiety is a useless construct of the mind, and if you continually lay awake at night remembering that joke that bombed in 5th grade, you're going to have a heart attack at 42 years old.
Library Music Vol. 3
Fu_k The Zeitgeist
No library i ever walked into ever had music like this playing. Usually all you can hear is the sound of feet shuffling between bookshelves, homeless men coughing onto computer keyboards, and the security guard at the door hitting on the freshly-turned-18 librarian. That's why you won't catch me dead inside one of those disease-ridden hell-holes. That being said, clearly this library-sympathizer took some inspiration from those book castles and made an avant-garde electronica album worth listening to.
Throw Away That Book
Now we're talking. Like that lady from Field of Dreams said in that school board meeting: "Let's burn books!" Byther Smith understands that books are useless, and he made an album about it! Fahrenheit 451 is basically an erotic romance novel about burning books, just skip the ending for a proper nut.
Duration of playlist: 12hr 29min
Byther Smith - Spotify